Hello and Welcome!
** TW: discussion of depression and references to ED and sexual trauma **
This may seem like a little bit of a random post but unless you really know someone, I guess it can come across that way. As you can tell from the title, this post is going to be a personal one, and a more serious one (although I’ll probably still make jokes because that’s just who I am).
I imagined this post would be easier to write than it actually is and you may be thinking ‘why on Earth are you even writing this post?’ and I have one word for you: stigma. I’m hoping by sharing this post, I can make anyone who feels the same, feel less alone, and explain more about myself and my feelings.
Looking at someone you can never truly know how they feel or what they’re going through. Social media is full of people sharing the parts of their lives that they want to share. Some people share more, some people don’t. Although I tend to write long Instagram captions to update on what’s going on in my life I don’t tend to post a lot about how I’m actually feeling – especially if it’s negative. I might say that I haven’t been feeling great, but I don’t tend to go into much more detail.
This is because I don’t want to be a burden and bother people with my problems. I’ve always felt like people haven’t got time for my feelings. Whether it’s relationships, friends, or family, I’ve just always felt that there isn’t room for me. I’ve had my feelings invalidated a lot, or been spoken over – I’m not sure whether it’s because I always tend to be friends with those types of people who want to one up you, no matter what it is. A lot of my friends throughout my whole life have been people who have some sort of problem themselves. I never wanted those people to feel alone, or feel how I was feeling, so I became the type of person who, despite being in tears myself, would be messaging people checking in on how they are, whilst keeping my feelings bottled up. It’s always been a big deal if I opened up to someone, but all I have is memories of people making me feel worse when I told them.
The first time I remember feeling really, truly, down, was in secondary school (I’m currently finishing my second year of a postgraduate diploma), this was around 8 years ago. At the time I dealt with it in a few physically destructive ways (I’m sure you know one of the ways I mean, but I don’t really want to get into it). I was drunk a lot of the time – I would drink almost every night and spend Friday’s drinking neat Vodka at my friend’s house. Secondary school just wasn’t a good time for me – I wasn’t particularly bullied, nothing hugely bad happened, I was just in a horrible place mentally. During this time I was also very obsessed with my weight, I’d throw away my lunch, I’d track calories, I’d exercise after school. At the time I, of course as many people do, didn’t think it was bad, but looking back on prom photos it wasn’t good. Yet no one said anything to me! I would literally take my lunch and offer it to my friends, and throw anything away that was left every day, and no one expressed concern.
I also had a habit of getting into relationships with very pressuring men. The first person I was ever sexually active with was the worst and I still get really awful panic attacks (they’re basically seizures) occasionally in sexual situations due to what he did. I don’t know what it is with me and picking absolutely the wrong people – from friends to relationships, I am drawn to the worst people.
For a very long time, even though I enjoy things, I struggle to find the motivation to do them. I love my blog, and I love playing with makeup, but sometimes I just can’t. I spend a lot of time in bed, most days I don’t get dressed, I can go a week without going out. This is why there are sometimes large gaps in my posts on here or on Instagram. It’s so frustrating because I really want to do these things but there’s something stopping me, like I’m interested but not enough to actually do anything about it.
I’ve always felt like I need to be the strong one for everyone else, that I always need to be there for everyone no matter what. But I’ve never really felt like anyone was there for me. I have one friend that I’d feel comfortable randomly starting a conversation with to say that I feel terrible, but apart from that it’s just a whole bunch of loneliness. No matter what the situation is, I’m always there for people to say it’s going to be okay, or try to fix the problem, or putting on a brave face to meet the worst news, but this meant I just pushed how I was feeling to the back of my mind over and over. Crying in private and being strong when people could see me. I’m that person where if you get in trouble as a group I say ‘tell them it was my idea’. I don’t care about me being the scapegoat or me getting in trouble, as long as my friends and family were okay. Obviously this takes a massive toll.
I dealt with this through self deprecating jokes kind of in the hopes that people would maybe think it wasn’t 100% a joke. I really like making people laugh, it makes me feel better about myself in a way because I can bring a split second of happiness or joy to someone else. Again, there have been a lot of people who tell me they’re sick of me making self deprecating jokes (not all my jokes are self deprecating of course). Someone who I considered a close friend, who knew how I was feeling told me they were ‘sick of my woe is me shit’ – when you google ‘woe is me’ is does say ‘for comedic effect’ so I’ll take it as a low-key compliment that they thought I was funny but still they clearly meant they were sick of me saying depressing things. This really stuck with me because this person knew how down I was, and I’d spoken to them at the worst times, but then they randomly said they were sick of me (they’ve never spoken to me again).
I’m not sure what brought me to this point, after all this time, but I’m just absolutely sick of feeling like this. So I booked a doctor’s appointment.
I’ve booked a handful of appointments for mental health before but never felt ready and always talked myself out of it. Something was really different this time, I even called the day before to make sure my appointment was booked. Yes it was absolutely terrifying, and yes I was a sweaty mess when I was waiting (I’m glad the doctor didn’t try to shake my hand) but I’m so glad that I did it.
I’ve been put on an antidepressant called Citalopram and have been on it for almost two weeks now. The side effects have been an absolute nightmare. I’ve never been more tired in my life, I have a dry throat and mouth with caused mouth ulcers, I was really sweaty for a while, my stomach hurt, I have no appetite and most food tastes terrible, and I periodically feel sick. I don’t tend to get side effects but this tablet has hit me badly. Apparently they start to settle down after two weeks so I’m hoping that does happen, they definitely aren’t as bad as they were at the beginning but are still there. However, side effects for a couple of weeks to potentially not be depressed any more? Honestly I would accept side effects for far longer than two weeks to not feel as awful emotionally as I do.
I know this has been a pretty random and all over the place post but I wanted to share what’s been going on with me. If you feel the same as I do and are scared to go to the doctor I really do urge you to do it. It extremely scary but I promise you that you’ll feel better to know that you’re taking steps in the right direction. No matter who you are, you don’t deserve to be in a dark place. Look after yourself before anyone else, you deserve happiness. Also know that you are absolutely not alone and if you want to, or need to, talk to anyone then I am here. I understand how you feel and I will listen and try to help. If you DM me on Instagram, I will reply and I will listen to how you are feeling.
These tablets aren’t yet working for me, but if they don’t there’s plenty more options and at least I’m finally getting the help I need, and the help I deserve. I just want to be able to enjoy things again instead of constantly feeling like I’m a million miles away.
I will be trying to write more blog posts, but I’m still struggling at the moment with side effects (mostly tiredness) as well as still dealing with the actual feelings associated with my depression.
I hope this post helped you in some way or you enjoyed it (hopefully you didn’t enjoy it too much though)!